Bisclavret a la Myths RETOLD!

This is a Medieval lai by Marie de France, told in the style of another blog called Myths RETOLD!
If you like this, check out his website, it’s the same thing, only funnier.

So there’s this knight called Bisclavret

And he lives with his wife and they’re very in love
But she’s confused
Because he’s MIA for three days every week
So she asks him what the deal is
Because that’s pretty fucking suspicious
And he straight up tells her that he’s a werewolf
and that for almost half of the week, he runs around in the forest, eating the entire cast of the Wind in the Willows
and generally having a good time
and she’s like SEEMS LEGIT
(Frankly, I don’t know what she was expecting when she married a dude whose name means werewolf)
So she asks where his clothes are when this happens
(which, you know, is the first thing I’d be wondering too)
But he won’t tell her
because if he loses his clothes, he can’t change back into his human form
And he’d be helpless until I got them back
(This relationship is clearly based on mutual trust and respect)
And she’s like NO YOU CAN TELL ME
YOU CAN TRUST ME
WHY DON’T YOU TRUST ME?
DON’T YOU LOVE ME?
And he’s like
WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW SO BAD?
But she’s like
NAG NAG NAG
At this point it’s probably like 4:00 in the morning
And she’s been going on like this just for days
So just to shut her up he’s like kay
Fine
You know what
I keep them in this chapel in the forest
I guess it’s abandoned or something
Because no one seems to notice when there’s like a gym bag full of knightly accoutrements lying around
Because you think someone would want to steal that shit
But they don’t
And she’s like THANKS LOVE YOU
I PROMISE NOT TO USE THIS INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR DEBILITATING VULNERABILITY AGAINST YOU IN ANY WAY
And then he goes to sleep
and she immediately tries to figure out how to get rid of him
I guess she’s super Team Edward or something
Or she’s scared because he’s a werewolf
Even though he’s never hurt her before
so…. she decides to make him a wolf all the time
and piss him off! That’ll be much safer!
so she hooks up with this guy down the street who’s had the hots for her for like ever
she never really cared about him, but THIS IS MEDIEVAL FRANCE! WHAT’S A WOMAN WITHOUT A MAN?
(a: nothing.)
so the two of them steal Bisclavret’s clothes next time he wolfs out
so he’s stuck like that, running around in the forest
until the king shows up and is about to shoot him
and instead of doing normal werewolfy things
like CLAWING THE KING’S FACE OFF
AND THEN EATING HIM
AND RELISHING THE GENERAL BLOODSHED
Bisclavret gets down and begs and is all cute
you know the way dogs are
“yeah, I peed on the rug, BUT I’M WEALLY SOWWY”
And their eyes get all big and sad
And you can’t help but be like AW oh it’s okay you little scamp
So that’s basically what the king says
And then decides to keep this GIANT WOLF as a pet
Which would make him a huge badass if the wolf weren’t such a pansy
So the king and his new wolf pal are basically BFFs
It’s like Old Yeller but without the part where he kills him at the end
The dog gets to live in the castle
And follows the king around everywhere
It’s pretty fucking heartwarming
Or it would be if the dog didn’t have some degree of human consciousness
Which he does
SPOILERS
Because replace “dog” with “dude” in this scenario
And it all just becomes kind of degrading and awful
BUT ANYWAY
One day the king is having this massive party, and Bisclavret’s wife and her new boytoy show up
And understandably, Bisclavret is PISSED
So he attacks the dude who married his wife
And the king gets him to stop by threatening him with a stick
I kid you not
That’s what it says
“threatened him with a stick”
COOL. BAMFEST WEREWOLF EVER RIGHT?
But at least he’s kind of werewolfy, because he won’t stop attacking this guy
Or his wife
He actually bites off her nose before they can call him off
And so the king, in an amazing display of leadership
decides that , because the wolf has never attacked anyone else before
this couple must have wronged his pet werewolf in some way
Not “maybe they smell like beef or something that he really likes”
Or even
“MAYBE I SHOULDN’T KEEP WILD FUCKING ANIMALS IN MY HOUSE BECAUSE EVENTUALLY BEING COOPED UP WILL MAKE THEM STIR CRAZY AND START ACTING IN WAYS WHICH TO A HUMAN MIND SEEM IRRATIONAL”
No.
They made the wolf angry somehow.
I mean, he’s right, but if you didn’t know we were dealing with a werewolf here, you’d be like
“that dude’s nuts.”
So they torture the woman to see what she did to make the wolf mad
And she says dude, you could have just asked me
I don’t know why we needed to jump straight to physical agony here
But I’m pretty sure that’s my husband
And they’re like “that’s gross lady”
But then she explains
About how he’s a werewolf
And all he needs to turn back
is to put on some pants
(Everyone in this story is really accepting that werewolves exist
You’d think the king would have made that connection when he found a really smart
really HUGE fucking wolf
But whatever)
So they bring him some clothes
And the wolf won’t put them on
BECAUSE WOLVES DON’T UNDERSTAND PANTS
But they’re like “well obviously he doesn’t want you to see him changing, King
Let him go somewhere alone”
Which suggests to me that he needs to become a dude again before he can put the pants ON
So
I guess he just needs to be in the general vicinity of his pants to turn human again?
Shit, you can see why Hollywood invented all of the full moon crap
Because this is just ridiculous
But anyway
Everything’s okay, he gets his kingdom back, and his wife and her new hubby are banished to a shack somewhere
Where all of their kids are born without noses
Because if you lose a limb
That loss will be transferred to your children
And that’s how genetics works.
THE END
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